Limbo

So I am officially back in bham. After a whirlwind and somewhat stressful west point graduation, I went back up to Wellesley and moved all my things into Casa basement. Then I spent two wonderfully relaxing days with my senior friends whom I already miss and can't imagine navigating my last year in college without. Our evening at the ZA patio was memorable for sure.
And after leaving and finally getting on the road, it hit me that I only had a year left and I was overwhelmed by a strange pang of saddness. Three years ago, I wanted nothing more than to transfer and I was so happy anytime I was not on campus. And now, two years later, my breath still gets taken away when I walk behind tower and look out over the lake, or come back from a dinner at a professor's house, or realize what an amazing group of women I have as support. I have made so many mistakes these past three years and I can't say I have really excelled at anything in particular but I know that there will never be a time in my life again where I will get to be surrounded by so many like-minded people who I can be completely myself around. And while I am dreading the hard work of this summer and spending my last summer in Birmingham, I cannot wait for what senior year brings- I will be reunited with Slee and Eleri and cannot wait to hear about their adventures, I will be RA of casa, I will be turning 21 in Boston (really no better place for that in the US), Kate and I will be working at the pub( or I should say I will be working for Kate at the pub), trips to visit Langdon in NYC, and there are so many fun senior ZA events. Classes are going to be awesome since we had first-pick as seniors and I will be finishing my major.
I entitled this post "Limbo" as a reference to pergatory- which is exactly where I feel that I am at this point. I wish there was some magical wand to make this summer, with classes and MCAT be over, and I could be moving into casa and going to RA training tomorrow. The adults in my life tell me to live in the moment and all that jazz but its so hard to live in the moment when I just want this time to be over so badly. Its like I am just waiting to go back home- after a year away, my actual house even feels foreign..when we walked in last night, we had to dismantle all the alarms and turn the water and cable back on and I had to locate all my storage items...so it literally felt like invading a stranger's home. I woke up this morning and filled several boxes with old clothes, stuffed animals and knick knacks that I wanted to give to Goodwill- I just had this overwhelming needs to cleanse.
This rambling post is also my attempt to say to all the graduating seniors in my life that I love and miss you all so much! You have made a huge impact on my life and I cannot wait to see those of you who will be in Boston and NYC. I never thought I would ever be nostalgic about wellesley or that I would even have these incredibly tight-knit bonds and I am so happy that I have experienced this but it makes saying goodbye that much harder.

Lost in Translation

So I've been back for about two weeks from my 6 week introduction to Japan. After the craziest, most stressful finals period ever, a fun-filled trip to NYC, and a missed flight to Tokyo, Carlos and I made it to Narita airport the day before Christmas. It was really nice to see our parents for the first time in about 6 months. I love their house in Yokosuka. Its decorated in a traditional Japanese style. We only spent about one night at home while Carlos was with us. We traveled to Hakanone, Kyoto, Tokyo, Nara, and Kamakura. It was kinda chilly but so wonderful to travel and see this beautiful and modern country. The people were insanely polite and a tad quiet but once I met some of my parents friends, I really started understanding their humor. I read about six great books and ate lots of amazing food. I also interned at the Naval hospital so that occupied the month of January for me but I had a fantastic time and got to tour some really interesting ships. It took me about a week to get back on a somewhat sane sleep schedule but I think I am finally getting there. I cannot wait to go back. But I definetely have some more books on my reading list before I go back since I am no where near getting a grasp on Japan's vast history.

some thoughts

so much has happened since I last posted. School and work have definitely taken over...I am struggling to keep in contact with friends, both here and abroad and really not keeping in contact with my wonderful parents at all so of course this blog took a backseat.
I just got back from a wonderfully restful Thanksgiving in Hanson, MA with the wonderful Keefe family. This area of MA reminded me so much of Ashford, AL. Same people, just different accents.
With the elections over, I haven't kept up much with the news aside from this latest terrorist scare in Mumbai. I honestly don't have a reaction except that I'm as jaded and cynical as ever and wish Obama the best of luck dealing with Pakistan. I am however thrilled to have Clinton as Sec. of State. It makes me feel a ton better knowing she and Biden will be deal with national security issues.
Otherwise, life is intensely busy yet boring. If thats possible. I will not be going home for a year yet I haven't felt very homesick at all. I randonly feel pangs of missing my parents since I won't have seen them for about 6 months. I poured myself some coffee a while ago with my dessert and I immediately was reminded of how my dad loves to order coffee with dessert. I have become such a coffee addict mostly because my job is next to Peet's and i am always sleep deprived but also i think it makes me feel like my dad.
In some ways having them far away has made me way more independent though. I though I was independent going to school 1800 miles from home, but I realized i still depended on their advice and phone calls. Now I am much more decisive and learn to deal with stuff without having to whine to them. Although I still whine to my friends, thank goodness for them.

Carlos came up this past weekend for the Harvard/Yale game and we had a freezing but wonderful time. He met a lot of ZA and was very impressed by them I think. We also listened to a super fun band at the pub and I am going to hear them play again later this month. He also helped me with laundry since it was beyond critical. It was the first time in two months the magical meeting of quarters and few minutes of spare time coincided.

Only a week and half of classes left and if by some miracle I survive those, then finals. And then NYC. And then the carrot at the end of all this maddness is Japan! I really can't wait to see my parents, the house, the country, and start my internship.

a little funny

ok so a Wellesley grad was flying to China, opened a Chinese magazine and saw a photo with me in it..taken at wellesley's campus when Hillary spoke this past semester.

so much for photo releases...haha

(im at the lower right corner in a sweatshirt)

its been a while..but now im mad

quick update since april: I have spent the summer in B'ham falling in love with biology all over again, seeing friends, reading a lot, and getting excited to get back to Swells.

SO I didn't really want to make political posts but what the hell? I'm never running for public office anyways- or least I know I couldn't get elected.

Since Hillary lost the nomination, I had completely tuned out the presidential election and in fact, aside from studying at UAB, hadn't done much thinking otherwise. I didn't like Obama-there was nothing "new" or shiny about a young, Chicago politician who through back-deals and community "activism" had risen rapidly through the ranks of a party who used him as much as he used them. And I was dissapointed in McCain. A once moderate Republican maverick had gone to the "dark side"(as he told Jon Stewart) in order to get the base vote. A former POW and naval officer, you'd think McCain would have a better Iraq policy for the removal of troops and for the establishment of infrastructure so we don't have Afghanistan/ Taliban all over again.

But here's what I'm mad as hell/really confused by:

I was watching C-span and there was an older black lawyer who once worked for MLK speaking before a crowd at the Museum of African American Diaspora in San Franscisco (btw, i love SF!). He recently wrote a book describing what MLK would say if he saw the state of racial America today and what he would think of black leadership. It was all well and dandy until he said that when Americans went to the polls in November, with Obama as a presidential candidate, it is the equivalent of a "national referendum on race." WTF!! sorry for the outrage, but people also said this about Hilary. An election with a female candidate was a "national referendum on gender." NO!!! Since when did most Americans vote on one issue solely which is the definition of referendum. This guy essentially believes this election is a litmus test for racism. Which means a vote against Obama is not about his policy, but about a deep-seeded prejudice. In one fell swoop, this guy both reduced Obama to a talking head/token black guy and all American voters to one-dimensional, racist idiots. Isn't this the exact opposite of MLK's dream? Wouldn't he want a black candidate voted in not because of the color of his skin but by the content of maybe not his character but at least his policy?

And if we are truly in a post-racial America and post-feminist America, these two factors (gender and race)wouldn't influence our voting at all. Are we in a post-racial America? This Sunday's NY TIMES magazine seems to suggest no. A great article highlighting the generational differences in black leadership (including a shout out to AL rep Artur Davis-yay) describes how Philadelphia's black mayor believes that MLK and the like fought so that now its his perogative to NOT vote for Obama..and yet the black community criticizes this mayor. (intersting to note:originallly the Congressional Black Caucus supported Hillary)

And why do we even make these an issue in this election? Is it truly because it matters so much to us as americans or is it that in our increasingly complex and dangerous global position, the only issues we can grasp and thus vote on are race and gender. Not to say it isn't exciting to have a bi-racial and female in this election... I completely identified with Obama's bi-racial background(he's as much "white" as he is "black" but then people need him to "prove" both) as I identified with Hillary saying that being a female was of course a big deal..she approached everything in life as a female as she had no other way.

Anyway I know this is all scattered, but I am really curious as to what ya'll think, if it matters to you, and what issues are getting you excited?

driving

so my latest addiction (aside from Dunk'n coffee which is way cheaper than Starbucks and far less pretentious)- Driving.

I know. its weird. This summer I felt like if I never sat in a car again my life would be perfect. That was probably because of the 100 degree, sticky Bama summer and my less than perfect AC. But I was so tired of passing by strip malls, endless littered highways, and the same damn pine trees. So then I go to college, where I have no car. I usually use public transportation to get around or occassionally hitch a ride with my roommate. But this thing happened this semester where I just can't wait to get behind a wheel. I mean, i think it started when I drove for a ZA event. Despite the nasty New England weather and the fact I was driving a mammoth Toyota 4-Runner (which for a girl thats 5'1 is like a fish driving a bicycle), I was so blissfully happy. Somehow driving on the Mass turnpike away from Wellesley and into the skyscrapers and river of Boston became the equivalent of christmas morning for me despite ice, rain, multiple tolls, and Boston drivers honking at my every movement.

So after that little trip, I found every excuse to borrow cars and drive anywhere. I even woke up at 6 on a thursday morning to take a friend to the airport and drive her car back. She said she would pay me in wine but really just being able to roll down the windows and listen to oldies was enough payment. Then, a few days ago, I drove to the grocery store to buy food for a ZA event and i drove to campus. Or I should say that i drove there and went right past my house and straight to the other edge of campus. took a left. tuned the radio to 103.3 and cruised by the beautiful president's house on the lake, then the massive estate, cattle, barns, the riding rings and horses. I soon got to this little part of Natick that is the quintessestial New England town. A little cemetary with revolutionary war-era graves and grave markers, a white-steepled, wooden congregational church, hugged by little patched of grass. The little town probably has three buisness establishments, one of which is the Charles River coffee house where I first was annoyed that they only took cash and I now I smile when they reject my debit. And across from all this, you might even miss it, is the powerful charles river that forms a mini-waterfall at the point exactly across from the church. There is a little shaded rest area with trees, pine straw and a few tables. I've come here before with my dad and took some photos. He kept rushing me, I don't think he appreciated that it was the first time I had seen the river out of the context of downtown where it often becomes a mere after-thought to the Prudential tower, MIT and Harvard campuses, and of course Newbury and North End. In this part of Natick, the river looked naked but more recognizable like the ones back home. So I drove here. Parked a while. Took a few rights turns and was lost among the very different architecture of New england. At this point, the weather, houses and grass gratefully reflected my inner sentiments of being weathered and haggard by the winter and not quit thawed yet despite the new sunshine. I hate when the sunshine comes and you aren't ready for it yet. I mean, I'm not bipolar so how could God expect me to get over the harshness of winter so quickly with a random day of sunshine in April. Anyway, i finally get back to wellesley and slowly drag myself back to reality. But I can't wait until I get to drive away again....I never realized what a great stress relieving activity it can be with the right music or silence and scenery. So before you jump off a bridge, I recommend you find some keys, a car, a long winding road, with or without sunshine and some Keri Noble and Ray Charles.(unless that makes you too sad).

those "goddamnit" truths

ok. so have you ever had someone say something to you that you know is true. more than true. its like the most perceptive, true, insightful thing about you. And isn't it weird how usually our reaction is to be pissed at the person who told us. And if we aren't pissed (maybe it was a good truth) we are usually perplexed. We don't ever run up to this person and hug them for joy and yell, "gee thanks man! I've never been able to figure that out about myself." I think that's because on some level we already knew that truth and we are mad at ourselves for not being more up-front about it or able to access it so readily.
Let me give you an example. I know I'm lazy. But I forget that truth because I am at this school where everyone is a work-a-holic and my high school was the same. So I figure if I work less than my classmates, its just because I can't keep up their level, I'm more healthy and a social person. But the reality is that while I console myself with those ideas, these work-a-holics machines who produce a never-ending stream of quality academic achievement are actually shining examples of what I lack. And I know that I'm not lazy in the sense that I would rather sit on the couch than help someone. But I am lazy in the well I worked so hard yesterday so I'm going to slack today. And at a place like this I can't afford that mentality. I'm lazy in that I prefer to talk to friends and watch movies and work out than actually sit in the library and learn. Some people say that's healthy and I think the tempatation to do those things is healthy but indulging them so constantly is what gets me in trouble. So, here's where the truth part comes in- I always complain about how everyone leaves me behind,and I don't have their intelligence and so on...but deep down I always know I could be 1,000% more diligent. But I have great friends who just focus on when I do work hard and they console me by saying that wellesley's a crazy place and I'm just "healthy." But tonight, one of those friends, after listening to complain yet again about the science professors I've had and how its not my fault that I'm dumb so I cant be a doctor, said something very interesting. She said she hated to say this because she didn't want me to become like the nuts that never leave the library but she felt I was distracted easily and when push came to shove, I choose friends and hanging out. I immediately felt unnerved. I pretended like I knew that about my self, mumbled some justifications and walked out. But then I was like , "Goddamit!!!" I knew that! I've also known that I never reach potential. I've never truly pushed any of my limits...mentally, physically or otherwise. I always seems to have some small level of success because God blessed me with enough talent and smarts to just scrape by without getting called out for not reaching potential.
I don't know if this "potential-reaching" buisness comes with age, maturity, experiences or a combination but I have a sad hunch that it begins with the one thing I tend to be avoid when it comes in a long-term package: hard work.