driving

so my latest addiction (aside from Dunk'n coffee which is way cheaper than Starbucks and far less pretentious)- Driving.

I know. its weird. This summer I felt like if I never sat in a car again my life would be perfect. That was probably because of the 100 degree, sticky Bama summer and my less than perfect AC. But I was so tired of passing by strip malls, endless littered highways, and the same damn pine trees. So then I go to college, where I have no car. I usually use public transportation to get around or occassionally hitch a ride with my roommate. But this thing happened this semester where I just can't wait to get behind a wheel. I mean, i think it started when I drove for a ZA event. Despite the nasty New England weather and the fact I was driving a mammoth Toyota 4-Runner (which for a girl thats 5'1 is like a fish driving a bicycle), I was so blissfully happy. Somehow driving on the Mass turnpike away from Wellesley and into the skyscrapers and river of Boston became the equivalent of christmas morning for me despite ice, rain, multiple tolls, and Boston drivers honking at my every movement.

So after that little trip, I found every excuse to borrow cars and drive anywhere. I even woke up at 6 on a thursday morning to take a friend to the airport and drive her car back. She said she would pay me in wine but really just being able to roll down the windows and listen to oldies was enough payment. Then, a few days ago, I drove to the grocery store to buy food for a ZA event and i drove to campus. Or I should say that i drove there and went right past my house and straight to the other edge of campus. took a left. tuned the radio to 103.3 and cruised by the beautiful president's house on the lake, then the massive estate, cattle, barns, the riding rings and horses. I soon got to this little part of Natick that is the quintessestial New England town. A little cemetary with revolutionary war-era graves and grave markers, a white-steepled, wooden congregational church, hugged by little patched of grass. The little town probably has three buisness establishments, one of which is the Charles River coffee house where I first was annoyed that they only took cash and I now I smile when they reject my debit. And across from all this, you might even miss it, is the powerful charles river that forms a mini-waterfall at the point exactly across from the church. There is a little shaded rest area with trees, pine straw and a few tables. I've come here before with my dad and took some photos. He kept rushing me, I don't think he appreciated that it was the first time I had seen the river out of the context of downtown where it often becomes a mere after-thought to the Prudential tower, MIT and Harvard campuses, and of course Newbury and North End. In this part of Natick, the river looked naked but more recognizable like the ones back home. So I drove here. Parked a while. Took a few rights turns and was lost among the very different architecture of New england. At this point, the weather, houses and grass gratefully reflected my inner sentiments of being weathered and haggard by the winter and not quit thawed yet despite the new sunshine. I hate when the sunshine comes and you aren't ready for it yet. I mean, I'm not bipolar so how could God expect me to get over the harshness of winter so quickly with a random day of sunshine in April. Anyway, i finally get back to wellesley and slowly drag myself back to reality. But I can't wait until I get to drive away again....I never realized what a great stress relieving activity it can be with the right music or silence and scenery. So before you jump off a bridge, I recommend you find some keys, a car, a long winding road, with or without sunshine and some Keri Noble and Ray Charles.(unless that makes you too sad).

those "goddamnit" truths

ok. so have you ever had someone say something to you that you know is true. more than true. its like the most perceptive, true, insightful thing about you. And isn't it weird how usually our reaction is to be pissed at the person who told us. And if we aren't pissed (maybe it was a good truth) we are usually perplexed. We don't ever run up to this person and hug them for joy and yell, "gee thanks man! I've never been able to figure that out about myself." I think that's because on some level we already knew that truth and we are mad at ourselves for not being more up-front about it or able to access it so readily.
Let me give you an example. I know I'm lazy. But I forget that truth because I am at this school where everyone is a work-a-holic and my high school was the same. So I figure if I work less than my classmates, its just because I can't keep up their level, I'm more healthy and a social person. But the reality is that while I console myself with those ideas, these work-a-holics machines who produce a never-ending stream of quality academic achievement are actually shining examples of what I lack. And I know that I'm not lazy in the sense that I would rather sit on the couch than help someone. But I am lazy in the well I worked so hard yesterday so I'm going to slack today. And at a place like this I can't afford that mentality. I'm lazy in that I prefer to talk to friends and watch movies and work out than actually sit in the library and learn. Some people say that's healthy and I think the tempatation to do those things is healthy but indulging them so constantly is what gets me in trouble. So, here's where the truth part comes in- I always complain about how everyone leaves me behind,and I don't have their intelligence and so on...but deep down I always know I could be 1,000% more diligent. But I have great friends who just focus on when I do work hard and they console me by saying that wellesley's a crazy place and I'm just "healthy." But tonight, one of those friends, after listening to complain yet again about the science professors I've had and how its not my fault that I'm dumb so I cant be a doctor, said something very interesting. She said she hated to say this because she didn't want me to become like the nuts that never leave the library but she felt I was distracted easily and when push came to shove, I choose friends and hanging out. I immediately felt unnerved. I pretended like I knew that about my self, mumbled some justifications and walked out. But then I was like , "Goddamit!!!" I knew that! I've also known that I never reach potential. I've never truly pushed any of my limits...mentally, physically or otherwise. I always seems to have some small level of success because God blessed me with enough talent and smarts to just scrape by without getting called out for not reaching potential.
I don't know if this "potential-reaching" buisness comes with age, maturity, experiences or a combination but I have a sad hunch that it begins with the one thing I tend to be avoid when it comes in a long-term package: hard work.