some thoughts

so much has happened since I last posted. School and work have definitely taken over...I am struggling to keep in contact with friends, both here and abroad and really not keeping in contact with my wonderful parents at all so of course this blog took a backseat.
I just got back from a wonderfully restful Thanksgiving in Hanson, MA with the wonderful Keefe family. This area of MA reminded me so much of Ashford, AL. Same people, just different accents.
With the elections over, I haven't kept up much with the news aside from this latest terrorist scare in Mumbai. I honestly don't have a reaction except that I'm as jaded and cynical as ever and wish Obama the best of luck dealing with Pakistan. I am however thrilled to have Clinton as Sec. of State. It makes me feel a ton better knowing she and Biden will be deal with national security issues.
Otherwise, life is intensely busy yet boring. If thats possible. I will not be going home for a year yet I haven't felt very homesick at all. I randonly feel pangs of missing my parents since I won't have seen them for about 6 months. I poured myself some coffee a while ago with my dessert and I immediately was reminded of how my dad loves to order coffee with dessert. I have become such a coffee addict mostly because my job is next to Peet's and i am always sleep deprived but also i think it makes me feel like my dad.
In some ways having them far away has made me way more independent though. I though I was independent going to school 1800 miles from home, but I realized i still depended on their advice and phone calls. Now I am much more decisive and learn to deal with stuff without having to whine to them. Although I still whine to my friends, thank goodness for them.

Carlos came up this past weekend for the Harvard/Yale game and we had a freezing but wonderful time. He met a lot of ZA and was very impressed by them I think. We also listened to a super fun band at the pub and I am going to hear them play again later this month. He also helped me with laundry since it was beyond critical. It was the first time in two months the magical meeting of quarters and few minutes of spare time coincided.

Only a week and half of classes left and if by some miracle I survive those, then finals. And then NYC. And then the carrot at the end of all this maddness is Japan! I really can't wait to see my parents, the house, the country, and start my internship.

a little funny

ok so a Wellesley grad was flying to China, opened a Chinese magazine and saw a photo with me in it..taken at wellesley's campus when Hillary spoke this past semester.

so much for photo releases...haha

(im at the lower right corner in a sweatshirt)

its been a while..but now im mad

quick update since april: I have spent the summer in B'ham falling in love with biology all over again, seeing friends, reading a lot, and getting excited to get back to Swells.

SO I didn't really want to make political posts but what the hell? I'm never running for public office anyways- or least I know I couldn't get elected.

Since Hillary lost the nomination, I had completely tuned out the presidential election and in fact, aside from studying at UAB, hadn't done much thinking otherwise. I didn't like Obama-there was nothing "new" or shiny about a young, Chicago politician who through back-deals and community "activism" had risen rapidly through the ranks of a party who used him as much as he used them. And I was dissapointed in McCain. A once moderate Republican maverick had gone to the "dark side"(as he told Jon Stewart) in order to get the base vote. A former POW and naval officer, you'd think McCain would have a better Iraq policy for the removal of troops and for the establishment of infrastructure so we don't have Afghanistan/ Taliban all over again.

But here's what I'm mad as hell/really confused by:

I was watching C-span and there was an older black lawyer who once worked for MLK speaking before a crowd at the Museum of African American Diaspora in San Franscisco (btw, i love SF!). He recently wrote a book describing what MLK would say if he saw the state of racial America today and what he would think of black leadership. It was all well and dandy until he said that when Americans went to the polls in November, with Obama as a presidential candidate, it is the equivalent of a "national referendum on race." WTF!! sorry for the outrage, but people also said this about Hilary. An election with a female candidate was a "national referendum on gender." NO!!! Since when did most Americans vote on one issue solely which is the definition of referendum. This guy essentially believes this election is a litmus test for racism. Which means a vote against Obama is not about his policy, but about a deep-seeded prejudice. In one fell swoop, this guy both reduced Obama to a talking head/token black guy and all American voters to one-dimensional, racist idiots. Isn't this the exact opposite of MLK's dream? Wouldn't he want a black candidate voted in not because of the color of his skin but by the content of maybe not his character but at least his policy?

And if we are truly in a post-racial America and post-feminist America, these two factors (gender and race)wouldn't influence our voting at all. Are we in a post-racial America? This Sunday's NY TIMES magazine seems to suggest no. A great article highlighting the generational differences in black leadership (including a shout out to AL rep Artur Davis-yay) describes how Philadelphia's black mayor believes that MLK and the like fought so that now its his perogative to NOT vote for Obama..and yet the black community criticizes this mayor. (intersting to note:originallly the Congressional Black Caucus supported Hillary)

And why do we even make these an issue in this election? Is it truly because it matters so much to us as americans or is it that in our increasingly complex and dangerous global position, the only issues we can grasp and thus vote on are race and gender. Not to say it isn't exciting to have a bi-racial and female in this election... I completely identified with Obama's bi-racial background(he's as much "white" as he is "black" but then people need him to "prove" both) as I identified with Hillary saying that being a female was of course a big deal..she approached everything in life as a female as she had no other way.

Anyway I know this is all scattered, but I am really curious as to what ya'll think, if it matters to you, and what issues are getting you excited?

driving

so my latest addiction (aside from Dunk'n coffee which is way cheaper than Starbucks and far less pretentious)- Driving.

I know. its weird. This summer I felt like if I never sat in a car again my life would be perfect. That was probably because of the 100 degree, sticky Bama summer and my less than perfect AC. But I was so tired of passing by strip malls, endless littered highways, and the same damn pine trees. So then I go to college, where I have no car. I usually use public transportation to get around or occassionally hitch a ride with my roommate. But this thing happened this semester where I just can't wait to get behind a wheel. I mean, i think it started when I drove for a ZA event. Despite the nasty New England weather and the fact I was driving a mammoth Toyota 4-Runner (which for a girl thats 5'1 is like a fish driving a bicycle), I was so blissfully happy. Somehow driving on the Mass turnpike away from Wellesley and into the skyscrapers and river of Boston became the equivalent of christmas morning for me despite ice, rain, multiple tolls, and Boston drivers honking at my every movement.

So after that little trip, I found every excuse to borrow cars and drive anywhere. I even woke up at 6 on a thursday morning to take a friend to the airport and drive her car back. She said she would pay me in wine but really just being able to roll down the windows and listen to oldies was enough payment. Then, a few days ago, I drove to the grocery store to buy food for a ZA event and i drove to campus. Or I should say that i drove there and went right past my house and straight to the other edge of campus. took a left. tuned the radio to 103.3 and cruised by the beautiful president's house on the lake, then the massive estate, cattle, barns, the riding rings and horses. I soon got to this little part of Natick that is the quintessestial New England town. A little cemetary with revolutionary war-era graves and grave markers, a white-steepled, wooden congregational church, hugged by little patched of grass. The little town probably has three buisness establishments, one of which is the Charles River coffee house where I first was annoyed that they only took cash and I now I smile when they reject my debit. And across from all this, you might even miss it, is the powerful charles river that forms a mini-waterfall at the point exactly across from the church. There is a little shaded rest area with trees, pine straw and a few tables. I've come here before with my dad and took some photos. He kept rushing me, I don't think he appreciated that it was the first time I had seen the river out of the context of downtown where it often becomes a mere after-thought to the Prudential tower, MIT and Harvard campuses, and of course Newbury and North End. In this part of Natick, the river looked naked but more recognizable like the ones back home. So I drove here. Parked a while. Took a few rights turns and was lost among the very different architecture of New england. At this point, the weather, houses and grass gratefully reflected my inner sentiments of being weathered and haggard by the winter and not quit thawed yet despite the new sunshine. I hate when the sunshine comes and you aren't ready for it yet. I mean, I'm not bipolar so how could God expect me to get over the harshness of winter so quickly with a random day of sunshine in April. Anyway, i finally get back to wellesley and slowly drag myself back to reality. But I can't wait until I get to drive away again....I never realized what a great stress relieving activity it can be with the right music or silence and scenery. So before you jump off a bridge, I recommend you find some keys, a car, a long winding road, with or without sunshine and some Keri Noble and Ray Charles.(unless that makes you too sad).

those "goddamnit" truths

ok. so have you ever had someone say something to you that you know is true. more than true. its like the most perceptive, true, insightful thing about you. And isn't it weird how usually our reaction is to be pissed at the person who told us. And if we aren't pissed (maybe it was a good truth) we are usually perplexed. We don't ever run up to this person and hug them for joy and yell, "gee thanks man! I've never been able to figure that out about myself." I think that's because on some level we already knew that truth and we are mad at ourselves for not being more up-front about it or able to access it so readily.
Let me give you an example. I know I'm lazy. But I forget that truth because I am at this school where everyone is a work-a-holic and my high school was the same. So I figure if I work less than my classmates, its just because I can't keep up their level, I'm more healthy and a social person. But the reality is that while I console myself with those ideas, these work-a-holics machines who produce a never-ending stream of quality academic achievement are actually shining examples of what I lack. And I know that I'm not lazy in the sense that I would rather sit on the couch than help someone. But I am lazy in the well I worked so hard yesterday so I'm going to slack today. And at a place like this I can't afford that mentality. I'm lazy in that I prefer to talk to friends and watch movies and work out than actually sit in the library and learn. Some people say that's healthy and I think the tempatation to do those things is healthy but indulging them so constantly is what gets me in trouble. So, here's where the truth part comes in- I always complain about how everyone leaves me behind,and I don't have their intelligence and so on...but deep down I always know I could be 1,000% more diligent. But I have great friends who just focus on when I do work hard and they console me by saying that wellesley's a crazy place and I'm just "healthy." But tonight, one of those friends, after listening to complain yet again about the science professors I've had and how its not my fault that I'm dumb so I cant be a doctor, said something very interesting. She said she hated to say this because she didn't want me to become like the nuts that never leave the library but she felt I was distracted easily and when push came to shove, I choose friends and hanging out. I immediately felt unnerved. I pretended like I knew that about my self, mumbled some justifications and walked out. But then I was like , "Goddamit!!!" I knew that! I've also known that I never reach potential. I've never truly pushed any of my limits...mentally, physically or otherwise. I always seems to have some small level of success because God blessed me with enough talent and smarts to just scrape by without getting called out for not reaching potential.
I don't know if this "potential-reaching" buisness comes with age, maturity, experiences or a combination but I have a sad hunch that it begins with the one thing I tend to be avoid when it comes in a long-term package: hard work.

"simply pack our bags and catch a plane to Barcelona"

So I'm sitting in Casa, all cozy in the den with S. asleep on the couch and everybody else out enjoying a Friday night. I am supposed to be working calculus II problems but instead I am just hit with a pang of saddness. I miss Barcelona!! I'm listening to counting crows "holiday in spain" haha im pathetic.

Even though I was only there for a month, and it was a really challenging month, I feel like i grew up so much there. It sounds silly but it just all happened to fast so this is the first time I've really reflected. I mean, I uploaded the photos this week and I sat in my room just in silence. I was stunned. I had already forgotten had breath-taking the city was and how I had learned to survive and blend. I think since I spent so much of the month alone, I just developed this unique relationship with my environment- I trully felt invisible. But not in the "no one sees me way" instead in the totally liberating way. I can just close my eyes and remember exactly how I felt when I spent the entire day sitting at playa de barcelona. Literally, I woke up super early, left my apartment in St. Gervais, before anyone was awake and took a 20 minute metro ride, I walked into a Persian grocery store, bought myself a baguette and bottle of water and chocolate and then proceeded to get lost while trying to find the beach on the otherside of the Barceloneta. So I suddenly take a right down this small ally where the clothes lines between buildings obscure the sun and muts and kids play in the sheets. I see a palm tree and then suddenly I'm blinded by the sun. I squint and see an entire coastline, filled with old people playing checkers and couples on the boardwalk. There's hippies, punks, hopeless romantics, and some posh europeans. I roll up my jeans, put on my sunglasses, and find a spot on the coarse brown sand. I tuck my bag under my head, as ive already spotted the pick pockets. I lay down, close my eyes, and the sunshine is pure bliss, a sensation that I haven't felt after two years at Wellesley. I sleep for a while, read and journal, then walk the boardwalk. I walk to the pier where an attractive Spaniard nudges his friend and quietly says "mira que bella" as I walk by. ahhh!! i wish I could be back there. On that beach, with no makeup, no friends, all my valuable in a bag, and clothes I hadn't washed since before I left for Italy, I just felt beautiful. Not beautiful in a physical sense but just content with myself. I don't think I've ever felt that in the U.S. I mean, in the U.S. I feel more productive and successful but when I travel, its the only time I feel calm, even when Im completely lost. I meet complete strangers and learn from then whereas in college I feel like we hestitate to meet others and when we do we either judge them or we try to portray an image. Maybe my sense of happiness in Barcelona was based on false premises...my friends were their as Americans and I was actually able to blend pretty well and I never corrected people's assumptions if they thought I was Spanish or South American. I have never valued being biracial before this trip. Before I saw it as a complicated burden but now I see the silver lining... I was able to blend so well and change language without thinking and I also could easily conform to whatever setting I was in...which can be really exhausting but allowed me insight and access into Catalunya's culture. haha I had a lot of fun fooling people too ;) But then the wierdest thing happened...by the time I got on the plane to Amsterdam, I was ready to come back, not really to Wellesley although I love it here. I really really really missed Alabama! I missed the accents, the food and of all things, I missed Ashford. I missed miles and miles of peanut fields, horses, cows, and little white churches. As soon as I got back from Barcelona, Kate and I drove to NY to visit C-los. The whole way I would tear up at the country songs, which is completely out of character. I mean, when I really think about it, I have always felts like I never belonged in the south and I still feel that way. I definetely get along better up here...I guess my personality just suits this region better. But for the first time in my life, I realize that Bama is still my home and at the end of the day, after the mounds of criticism and issues and uncomfort, I may stick out like a sore thumb there, its still comforting in some ways.

purpose

so i guess with this post I will address a little more clearly the purpose of both this blog

1. I've never blogged or read blogs. In fact, when I think of bloggers I think of self-satisfied, smug, arrogant hipsters in their 30s who can't think of something to do with their Ivy League degrees and black macs. So they stare throught their designer Italian wire-rim frame glasses onto a computer screen all day sharing their views on politics and naively thinking others care.



2. So, needless to say I don't ever want to fit the above description, if I can help it. But, I did believe in the value of documentation since our memories fail us much more than we like to admit. Therefore in the blog, aside from addressing questions that bother me and take up space in my crammed brain, I also hope, without getting sappy or too personal, to document a little of my life so when I'm old and gray I can see the evolution (hopefully) of my rational capabilities and maybe some memories of good time.



..still haven't done laundry but did walk to the Lulu after lab to get quarters...that's a one small step for man...

So..

This is completely random.
But since I always bother both my housemates and parents with my crazy off the wall questions and waste a lot of time pondering them, someone suggested it would be healthy and productive to blog them. That way, I plan a certain time of day to allow myself to have these scattered thoughts, I write them down, and then I move on to the problem sets and novels due within the hour. So, whoever ends up reading this, just know these questions have no rhyme nor reason and I have no factual basis for anything I say.
I'm late for chem lab now but when I get back, and after I do laundry (its been a few weeks) I will contemplate the universe and write down my conclusions.