sigh

I am sitting on the 4th floor of Clapp looking out over Tupelo lane and the lake which is literally sparkling and the sun is blinding me as I search the horizon to spot the geese that seem to defy physics by flying on the surface of the water.

There have been far fewer quiet moments this year for reflection, thus this marks my first post as a senior..and its almost December. I originally could only describe this year in numbers. 5 classes, 2 part-time jobs, 8 housemates, 4 members of SKEM and Skulls, 5 new ZA intiates, 1 incredible weekend in NYC with J and Soobs, and 0 ideas or prospects for my future.
This has been such whirlwind so I think the numbers allow me to quantify my experience and organize it in my head.
5 classes (and a lab): great idea until a few weeks ago when papers, exams and assignments all fell onto the same days. However, despite turning in late assignments in my Span. seminar and not doing as well as I wanted on bio, I have someone managed to get As and a B on my midterm exams and finals. I have no idea how. Maybe I am truly a veteran and finally used to the amount of work. Actually that's a lie. Its totally been exhausting and I have been lacking motivation. My courses: History of American Education with Beatty, Organismal Bio with Cameron, Political Economy of Dev. and underdev. with Josephy, Biomedical ethics with Menkititi, and Clothed and Naked in Colonial Latin America with Evelina. For the most part, very interesting courses and not too too much work individually but all together kinda bad.
2 jobs: I am working at the pub this semester which turned out to be more work than expected as I am in charge of off-campus performers and contracts. But crazy fun! I love my co-workers, my manager is one of my best friends, and I get to dance, drink and talk my way through work- not a bad deal. And its interesting in staff meetings to learn a little about the buisness aspect of it. I feel like I go out all the time when in actuality I rarely go into the city these days because working seems like a night out.
I am also sitting for the Rubins twice a week for only two hours each time. But S and TJ are still adorable and well-behaved as ever and its a much-needed mental break to stop whatever I am doing or worried about and just make snacks, play UNO or Wii, or build lego villages.
SKEM and Skulls (plus Jess): so this has been my core group despite some member's being gone for a year or semester. These five women collectively form my life raft and although it gets so crazy and hard to see each other, somehow we all manage to put everything aside occasionally and have deliriously wonderful dinners or outings. I know these are people who will be with me throughout my entire life and I hate to think we have to live apart after this year. I didn't think it was possible to learn more aspects of them or to get any closer, and yet, the craziness of this year I think has pulled us even closer.
5 new ZA initiates: They are amazing! And makes it even harder for me to leave since I wish I had more time to spend with them. ZA is as great as ever. Perhaps the best decision I ever made in college. ZA= my Wellesley experience. I don't remember much about Wellesley before ZA happened to me...i mean I remember flashes of nothingness but I didn't start engaging with this campus until I met these women.
1 NYC weekend: A few weekends ago, I somewhat spontaneously decided to go visit J and Laney. They both live about 10 blocks from each other, with L near St. Marks Place and J in the East Village. I went with Soobs, a great friend who I met in Barcelona. It was a super chill weekend filled with gossip, laughter, great food, hilarious stories, shopping, manicures, and many Wellesley women. I ran into several, including a ZA alum at the DSW at Columbus circle, and J's roomate is an '06 alum. I also saw Laney and Deej which was incredible and felt like coming home to Claflin. I didn't realize how much I needed that weekend until I came back refreshed but also missing NYC like crazy. I used to be able to go at least twice a semester but that may be my trip for the year. I keep listening to "empire state of mind" on repeat and "who says" just to feel nostalgic.
0 prospects: So the ideal plan would have been to graduate go directly to an MPS program or med school. But the biggest lesson I am learning right now is that plans will always be broken or changed and life is incredibly unpredictable. I have always been so focused on what I want to do in my life and I am now focusing on what I want out of my life. And hopefully I can find the overlap. So I decided to be flexible and cast the net widely. Its scary and unknown and I still like to cling to plans. But I also trying to be incredibly honest in my self-evaluations and trying to find adventures because ultimately when I'm older, I just want to be able to say I lived fully. This is obviously easier said then done since I have so many weights to keep me grounded. I have my own plans and preconceptions to shed, my family's expectations, societal expectations, and of course I have my passions and interests that can seem scattered and incoherent at times.

So that's the scoop in numbers. After an incredibly challenging summer, it's been good in some ways to be so inundated in Wellesley culture with friends, work and school. But in the rare moments I stop to gasp for breath, I either panic about next year or I get nostalgic about my time here. Its so incredibly fleeting that if I feel as though if I stop to pause or reflect at all, then I've lost precious and valuable time I could have had to make memories.

Limbo

So I am officially back in bham. After a whirlwind and somewhat stressful west point graduation, I went back up to Wellesley and moved all my things into Casa basement. Then I spent two wonderfully relaxing days with my senior friends whom I already miss and can't imagine navigating my last year in college without. Our evening at the ZA patio was memorable for sure.
And after leaving and finally getting on the road, it hit me that I only had a year left and I was overwhelmed by a strange pang of saddness. Three years ago, I wanted nothing more than to transfer and I was so happy anytime I was not on campus. And now, two years later, my breath still gets taken away when I walk behind tower and look out over the lake, or come back from a dinner at a professor's house, or realize what an amazing group of women I have as support. I have made so many mistakes these past three years and I can't say I have really excelled at anything in particular but I know that there will never be a time in my life again where I will get to be surrounded by so many like-minded people who I can be completely myself around. And while I am dreading the hard work of this summer and spending my last summer in Birmingham, I cannot wait for what senior year brings- I will be reunited with Slee and Eleri and cannot wait to hear about their adventures, I will be RA of casa, I will be turning 21 in Boston (really no better place for that in the US), Kate and I will be working at the pub( or I should say I will be working for Kate at the pub), trips to visit Langdon in NYC, and there are so many fun senior ZA events. Classes are going to be awesome since we had first-pick as seniors and I will be finishing my major.
I entitled this post "Limbo" as a reference to pergatory- which is exactly where I feel that I am at this point. I wish there was some magical wand to make this summer, with classes and MCAT be over, and I could be moving into casa and going to RA training tomorrow. The adults in my life tell me to live in the moment and all that jazz but its so hard to live in the moment when I just want this time to be over so badly. Its like I am just waiting to go back home- after a year away, my actual house even feels foreign..when we walked in last night, we had to dismantle all the alarms and turn the water and cable back on and I had to locate all my storage items...so it literally felt like invading a stranger's home. I woke up this morning and filled several boxes with old clothes, stuffed animals and knick knacks that I wanted to give to Goodwill- I just had this overwhelming needs to cleanse.
This rambling post is also my attempt to say to all the graduating seniors in my life that I love and miss you all so much! You have made a huge impact on my life and I cannot wait to see those of you who will be in Boston and NYC. I never thought I would ever be nostalgic about wellesley or that I would even have these incredibly tight-knit bonds and I am so happy that I have experienced this but it makes saying goodbye that much harder.

Lost in Translation

So I've been back for about two weeks from my 6 week introduction to Japan. After the craziest, most stressful finals period ever, a fun-filled trip to NYC, and a missed flight to Tokyo, Carlos and I made it to Narita airport the day before Christmas. It was really nice to see our parents for the first time in about 6 months. I love their house in Yokosuka. Its decorated in a traditional Japanese style. We only spent about one night at home while Carlos was with us. We traveled to Hakanone, Kyoto, Tokyo, Nara, and Kamakura. It was kinda chilly but so wonderful to travel and see this beautiful and modern country. The people were insanely polite and a tad quiet but once I met some of my parents friends, I really started understanding their humor. I read about six great books and ate lots of amazing food. I also interned at the Naval hospital so that occupied the month of January for me but I had a fantastic time and got to tour some really interesting ships. It took me about a week to get back on a somewhat sane sleep schedule but I think I am finally getting there. I cannot wait to go back. But I definetely have some more books on my reading list before I go back since I am no where near getting a grasp on Japan's vast history.